Responsibility VS Obligation
An Honest Experiment #11
This entry is going to take a more serious approach as I have learnt a serious lesson this week that has always been there under the surface for years. It showed its face over the weekend in a rather painful way and I am going to finally put my foot down and carry this lesson with me wherever I go.
That is the fact that responsibility and obligation, while they are so often given seats next to each other at the same table, are not the same. It is vital we do not confuse the two. No matter their dictionary definitions, finding where they part can make all the difference in how you approach life. This is the lesson I will share today.
I will start first with where this atom split for me.
There was a family function that beckoned me to put in a N/A for work. As much as this sent alarm bells when I did, I was fed the same illusionary reason to look past that intuition. It was my ‘responsibility’ to the family to attend. Such a lie had me tangling with my inner consciousness, a truth I had been building towards for the past two and a half months. I know how important family is, I love my family but this was an obligation, not a responsibility. The responsibility that trumped all of that was to my heart and my healing. This is not a selfish duty, but one that would have greatly benefitted all if I had fulfilled it. Unfortunately, I did not listen to this truth, nor did anyone whose responsibility it was to respect my wishes and allow me this opportunity to grow. As much as my gut told me that I would be better off working towards my goals as I had originally wanted to, the pressure of family obligation left me trapped and alone. I refuse to feel that way ever again.
It was a birthday party of a beloved cousin. As much as I wanted to celebrate with them and how much they had grown, I was not in the right state to do so. I had dressed myself up, and I looked great, I was not ready to dance or mingle but I did my best to greet everyone and push out the answers ‘I’m good,’ or ‘I’m fine,’ to any questions that would come. My seat was at a mixed table for mingling. The food was great, and the company pleasant enough. But being in a function room, dressed in this way, and the presence of an empty seat to my left had me feeling far more emptiness inside me. What filled that void were memories of another situation in a similar setting. I found myself avoiding eye contact with everyone at my table, turning away from the other guests, finding black space on the walls and looking out the windows as every drank and ate. As kind as the person to my right was, trying to initiate a conversation, they couldn’t quite get the hint that I wanted to be left alone. By no ill intent of their own, they said something that had me shooting over to the bar.
“It’s difficult being at events like this, I’m the only white guy here…”
Oh boy, was I triggered.
Add to that mix some alcohol and the expectation to put a smile on, to push down whatever it was I was thinking and feeling, I was not ready for such a stifling ordeal. I fought, dear God almighty, did I fight to keep the facade going, weather past all the triggers in so confined a space, avoid everyone and everything crashing in telling me the same run-of-the-mill advice that has not worked for me at all.
But it did. The tears came through and I couldn’t stop them. I was bolting to the bathroom, hoping to avoid everyone. I didn’t.
The embarrassment of being seen in this state, the disappointment in everyone else’s faces when I told them I had to leave, I felt in spades. While there was also love and concern from all sides that I appreciate and reciprocate, it was still mixed with that strigid pride my family has been living and blocking themselves with for years. The same nuggets of wisdom regurgitated to me as though I was not the 26-year-old woman that has taken huge strides in my self-worth. They still saw me as a little girl taking her first steps in the world. I have been through and learnt so much these past few months, I know my strength, I know my worth, I know what holds me back and I see it still rooting others around me in their misery. To hide what had taken months to build the courage to release? All that hard work, even if it only scratches the surface, couldn’t be undone. You can’t undream a dream, you can’t revive what is dead, you can’t un-crack an egg, you can’t close the floodgates on the infinite pour of the universe.
So why hold yourself back because of obligations to others that will not uphold the same to you? And even if they would, it should not be at the betrayal of themselves for the sake of pride, tradition, or conformity, all of which are bound in fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear of judgement, fear of consequence or punishment. I say this because when I felt the need to go to work instead of a party, I had no fear of those consequences because I knew it was my responsibility to myself, to the future I was building. However, those around me bogged me down with their fears, and that fear only spread into my own anxieties. I didn’t want to have to argue with my family, but it was at the cost of my happiness that I did, as well as my relationships with others at this party.
If there was anything I wish to say to my family, if they are reading this, it’s that my pain is not your fault, and my duty to myself is not to spite or direspect you, it’s not because I love you less. I believe I ought to show more respect and love by persuing what I want and need to achieve, and trusting that you’ll be by my side to celebrate when I accomplish it, rather than half-arsing or faking my happiness to keep up with appearances. That will only accelerate the decay of resentment, and we both don’t want that.
Responsibility to yourself spills into everyone and everything around you. Obligation comes at a cost to yourself and others that is non-refundable. You have a responsibility to live your truth and show the real you, but you are not obligated to indulge in the projections of what others think of you or themselves. You have a responsibility to prioritise what is important to you, be it your relationships, work, health, or yourself, but you are not obligated to continue if it is causing you pain. You have a responsibility to listen to your surroundings and guides for advice and own up to your mistakes, but you are not obligated to implement that advice if it does not work for you, because honestly, not all advice is one-size-fits-all, and most often that kind of advice didn’t even work for the person who gave it to you in the first place.
Heck, you can completely ignore this as babble from a perfect stranger on the internet, I will not think less of you (but cheers for thinking of me as perfect 🥰, you are too!)
My point is when you have achieved a new rank of consciousness of yourself, your desires, and where those aspects fit into the world at large, there’s no point in fulfilling obligations to anything that directly opposes or forces you to resist it. Resistance is fear, not love.
Everything you do should come from a place of love, otherwise, is it really worth persuing?
-M