When monsters open the door to humanity
An Honest Experiment #6
Here we are again.
By now everyone should know that I am a believer in the power of words. I have been told, very recently too, that I have a way with them. But having that sense of where these messages come from and how they sit in your mind when they are spowantso you can either set off your alarm bells or squat within until the damage has been done.
There is one such phrase that likes to nest very quickly in my head and trigger actions that get me, as well as others, into more trouble than it's worth. It likes to justify the way I push for what I desire. As though Tom Ellis’s Lucifer is working his mojo on me to get him and Detective Decker closer to the root of the case. It’s almost like a spell, the Imperious curse, and we fall as the willing victim each time.
“If you want to…”
These words, or any that give the same inflection, are akin to a spider’s bite. With those words, the venom surges through us and we hallucinate this illusion of power or control over the situation. Either the speaker is too obliging for their own good, or the listener has an addictive personality, which is dangerous in either case. To say them without asserting your own needs or desires, you are forfeiting actions to be taken by someone else. To hear them from someone you hope would respect you enough not to shortchange you in such regards leaves you totally alone in your efforts for equal footing. It opens a door to desire and the question of whether we need to do the thing we know is right, what we know protects us from making things worse for ourselves, is replaced by the glaring red neon sign of ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. It roots us in place for only a moment to make out which and then we turn away or we step through. We cannot be pushed, we cannot be convinced, we cannot say that the Devil made us do it, we do it to ourselves. All we need is the suggestion, the opportunity, and we pounce.
I’m choosing, fighting not to listen to them anymore. I refuse to lose control.
From standing my ground against losing myself to desire, to stepping into my mania, if you can truly call it that. As of writing this, I had just indulged in a vampire flick, Only Lovers Left Alive. How did I get there? Halfway through a conversation about beautiful people on the red carpet at the Sydney Film Premiere of Thor: Love and Thunder, which I was lucky enough to attend. One woman, whom I would only consider a Loki Variant, donned a green dress and dazzled me in my insecurity of how underdressed I was and wonder at her beguiling confidence. Then my friend and I started talking about how hot and talented Tom Hiddleston is and, well, you get the idea. But I’m not about to sink into a thirst post.
I just loved what the film shows about time, transcendence beyond humanity, and the natural inclination to hang onto life, even in the face of its futility, through the little things; the chance to create, to dance, to love. I have a mind to add this film to the collection of vampire books and films that I’ll be taking a deep dive into sometime in the future…
I loved the duality of Adam and Eve. He is a deeply reclusive and sombre soul, bound to her hopeful, nurturing spirit that embraces him wholly. I loved how fitting their names were, how we could never place their beginnings, only what they knew of the world, and yet they still listen, speak to, mourn and marvel at its infancy, its possibilities and its shortcomings. After all, even if two such immortal beings still roamed this earth, are they not in the same space as we? Are we all not part of the machinations of the universe trying to make sense of itself? To be alive is to be present, to love is to carry that life forward with purpose and understanding and hope. We as humans are capable of such things. With Adam and Eve’s vast collection of experiences, knowledge, books and guitars, they are, like us, the only lovers left alive.
This project gets more interesting as I am fascinated by how each week’s entry eventually ties into a theme of sorts. At first, I wrote the first part with a string of memories that came to me that night and brought me to some hard truths I was finally ready to admit and accept, and part of that was contemplating the words that were said. I had originally titled this entry ‘It’s all in the words you use’, but now we have shifted into a pattern of dark creatures making themselves known through our art, our surroundings, and the people we know. Be they friends, strangers, enemies, or the very person who stares back at us in the mirror every morning.
It is Sunday, and I am still reeling from a friend’s birthday party last night, thus kicking off the Winter of Birthdays among my friend group. Well, I say that, but most of those friends have fallen away into either the ‘haven’t spoken since’ or ‘never speak again’ columns. I was aware that one of these individuals would attend and was surprised when another did despite the very quick response they made to the invite that they would be working.
I was not to keen to see either, and this anxiousness burned inside me into the anger and pain of past wrongs. The uncertainty of their thoughts towards me almost made me rethink my own attendance, but I had mini cherry pies in the oven, and I promised to go. So I took to what I had learnt from Eckhart Tolle and surrendered, allowing my emotional body to feel it burn and pass it by, redirecting the diminishing embers into love for the others that I knew would be there. In a moment such as this when the uncertainty was not quite so consuming, but still present enough in my awareness, I drew a tarot card for whatever reminder I needed to take with me into the night. Out came arcana number XV: The Devil in reverse.
Yes, as always, dear ol’ Luci just loves to show his face.
Despite the obvious hint at the temptation that only a party like this would offer, I knew it meant that I had to maintain my state of surrender. The bondage of the past would not hold me if I allowed things to be as they are, accept them as they come, and trusted that I will know what to do should any wicked words or eclipsing attitudes make themselves known on this night. I followed this guiding message as best as I could, though I had my moments when hurt found its way into my heart, I excused myself, accepted it, allowed it to be and let it go as it left me. In that moment of surrender, the go-to invasive thoughts that would occur to me whenever I would leave a crowd to cry came forth.
‘Why is no one checking on me?’
‘Do they know I’m out here crying?’
‘Don’t they care about me at all?’
In the midst of my sobs muffled by the heavy rain, my heart was elated. To recognise those thoughts as something separate from who I am now and to not indulge a single one? The subtle happiness that came was something else. Those impish little thoughts teased like a goblin market selling their fruits of self-victimisation and bitterness were once so easy to get addicted to, and I let them float on by. No matter how many times they cried ‘come buy, come buy,’ there was no room for them to take seed.
Turns out the Devil was right, wicked things were roaming about that night but they had no effect on me. They were not me, they were someone else, and my embrace of what is.
As for the individuals that I was nervous about, I managed to be polite in their presence, and having to share the space with them didn’t last long at all. Any drama I expected to happen while on the way there never came forward. Any pain that arose was temporary. My mini cherry pies were a success and good vibes surrounded me with good people. No matter what debaucherous shenanigans occurred, I had a relatively peaceful night at the centre of that wilderness of drugs, booze and sex.
I think I’ll close future posts from this one onward with something different. You all know my capsules of time that push and pull the mood-tide of a week, I think I’ll share some that stuck out to me. Ones I happened upon, ones that prompted me to write, ones that helped me work through thoughts that couldn’t be put into words just yet, ones that I was compelled to listen to just because they wormed their way into my head.
You’re a God — Vertical Horizon
Too Lost in You — The Sugarbabes
It’ll Never Happen to Me — Blake Cateris
You Oughta Know — Alanis Morissette
Devil’s At Your Door — SWARM ft TINYKVT
Until next week!
-M